The moving finger has been forced to come back and what was once considered as absolute has been wiped clean and the finger has been compelled to rewrite the rules, not in ink but in blood and gore. But so many years after learning how to maneuver four wheels together on the roads of Himachal where one learnt to scan the road upto the next hill to look for laybyes and oncoming traffic, I feel that I am over the ‘hill’. And driving in the ‘jungle’ that is Gurgaon (including big brother Delhi and cousins Noida and Faridabad next door) I sometimes feel lost in the ‘woods’. So I thought of writing this ‘refresher’ for those like me having no sense of direction.
The first step is getting the license – the license to drive, the license to kill – 007! And one has to be trained in the perfect art of greasing the palm with the accurate amount of ‘grease’ – too little and your work is not done, too much and it is all lost. This art will come in use when one is caught by the traffic cops – one should know the exact going rate for the day!
The second step in the right direction is having a ‘friend’, a ‘chacha’, a ‘mama’, an ‘uncle’, anyone in the police. And feeding his mobile number on fast dial on your handset. And so as soon as the traffic cop signals you to a stop, just fast dial and hand the phone to the cop. Wow! Things are so easy. I have had first hand experience of this art – I was stopped by a cop in Pathankot and I dialed the number of an SP posted in Gurgaon who happened to be my patient and told the cop ‘SP Sahib se baat karo’ – He just handed me back the phone and said, ‘Aap jaaiye’. Another art is to fix the blue and red police logo on the number plate and say ‘Mere ‘chacha’/’mama’/’uncle’ police mein hain’. I have seen some really enterprising people organize a ‘DP’ sticker and fix it bang in the middle of the windscreen.
But the problem arises when there is no one in the police force who even recognizes one’s name – so what! Easy – write ‘Join the ARMY’ or just ‘ARMY’, ‘AIR FORCE’, GOVERNMENT OF INDIA’ or anything which comes to mind. I saw a really enterprising person who has written ‘GOVERNMENT OF INDIA’ and ‘ARMY’ on his car – that’s like saying two in hand are better than two in the bush. The latest craze is also to write ‘PRESS’, ‘CHIEF EDITOR’!
The next step is getting the correct accessories for the four wheels. Horn – the louder the better. Fog lamps – the brighter the better – and focus them to shine on the driver of the oncoming vehicle. Tinted plastic sheets for the glasses – the darker the better.
Where to drive on the road? - preferably on the right side, so that other vehicles can overtake from the left. People get confused overtaking from the right! And when in doubt drive right in the centre of the road, with the yellow line passing exactly between the wheels. Driving on the extreme right is 'right' as long as one puts on the headlights on high beam and honks like a maniac (which one is)!
The meaning of the colours of the traffic lights have also changed – green means ‘go’, yellow means ‘go faster’ and red means ‘go even faster’.
The helmet is not meant to be worn. It is only meant to be carried in the crock of the arm – obviously if the elbow get’s fractured, one is out of a job, if the brain gets damaged, one does not need a job.
Learn acrobatics from a renowned master – one has to juggle a cigarette and a mobile phone while driving – whether a car of a two wheeler!
When to use the horn – when to light is about to turn green – to make it change colours faster; when changing gears, when accelerating, when standing still, when overtaking, when not overtaking, when someone else is overtaking – honk as much as possible, the more the merrier!
Carry a ten rupee note in one pocket, a twenty in the other, fifty in the third and hundred in the fourth. When a traffic constable stops take out first the ten, wait for a reaction, then the twenty, wait, then fifty and if nothing works then hundred. I was taught this art by a master who told me he had used the hundred only once in ten years.
Who has the right of the way – the person with the louder horn; the person with the bigger car; the driver with the bigger beard; the one who looks straight ahead (like a horse blinkers on); the ‘jaat’ with the louder swear word! In other words – everyone except YOU!
The attitude is well summed up by the message on the rear of a call centre cab –
SOMETIMES THE 'BARCK' IS WORSE THAN THE BITE
HAPPY DRIVING!
(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia
A nice piece of journalism, the authorities should take note of what is happening!!
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