The 'weak' that was – TOI fails Gurgaon - Again

Not satisfied with transferring vast tracts of lands, heritage sites and industrial estates to Gurgaon, Delhi Times has achieved the impossible – it has transferred Mr Satyendra Garg as the JCP (traffic) in the Locally Vocal pages  18 of Gurgaon In Delhi Times on 22^nd April, where he was spotted curbing drunken driving, though assisting him in his job were a team of Delhi Police.

Delhi Police, did you say? There must be something wrong here. Or is it that the whole Delhi Police is now functioning under Commissioner Deswal? Congrats, Sir!

Also mentioned was the art of ‘wall’ hanging. Though where it was hanging was not mentioned, but still the Delhi Chief Minister and her daughter did visit it.

There was, though, one article on the ‘concept’ of penthouse living which is catching on in Gurgaon – bingo – right on the nose!

Art is a favourite with Gurgaon, the Gurgaon Locally Vocal pages. And on 23^rd April, just below the signature photo of Signature Towers is an article on an exhibition which is on till April 25^th at ‘Habitat Centre’. I tried to Google ‘Habitat Centre’ in Gurgaon but it kept on coming up with some address in Delhi! Maybe Google is not so advanced as our colleagues at Delhi Times – they have the latest info on Gurgaon.

Another article was on the works of Satish Gujral at Lalit Kala Akademi. Again Google failed to give me the Gurgaon address. Google really needs to work hard to keep up with The Times (pun intended)

The third article on 23^rd was about a cultural fest at North Campus of ‘Delhi’ University. I think it was a typo – should have been ‘Gurgaon’ University. Anyway, one typo a page is allowed.

Sunday was TWO WHOLE pages of Gurgaon news – Locally Vocal – very vocal, very local.  There was so much news about Gurgaon that TOI had to sanction two pages.

There was an item about the Wadali brothers performing at the Rang Utsav being organized by ‘Delhi’ Tourism! What, another typo. Bad, bad! Sheila Dixit will be the Chief Guest – The toll plaza will be blocked, again.

Jim Corbett National Park and Delhi University’s Hindu College, where a photography exhibition is being held, have recently been transferred to the District of Gurgaon and were, thus covered in the Locally Vocal Pages.

But credit where credit is due – there was an article on the Rewari Loco Shed – nice one and about Radio Taxis being allowed to ply in Haryana Towns. I didn’t know radio cabs were not allowed in Gurgaon and Faridababd earlier. But, still, now that they have been allowed, the traffic scene should improve.

Of the thirteen articles covered this week, ten were of the newer entrants to Gurgaon, about whom Google and even the residents are unaware! But they’ll learn, slowly and surely.

THREE OUT OF THIRTEEN. May be good enough, but had it been a weekly test, the result would have said:

‘Weak’ in Geography. Could not differentiate between Delhi and Gurgaon ten times out of thirteen.

Result : F

When I narrated the sequence to my son he had only one word ‘Again?’

Is it not time that the ‘Times’ did justice to the readers of Gurgaon.

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

Brand American – Phir bhi dil hai Hindustani

I remember hearing a story about a bania who had a flourishing business in the village. When asked about the secret of his success he said, ‘Actually I do not go in for big margins. I work only at a profit of 1 %’. The persons were astonished at this and asked him how it was possible. He elaborated, ‘1 %. Very simple. Buy at 1 Rupee, sell at 2.’

That is the marketing mantra which is truly Indian. And this mantra is being slowly discovered by all brands, whether Indian or American. Even studies in top B-Schools have been remodeled on the other Indian mantra which is ‘Take the customer for a ride!’

A few days back I was in Ambience Mall and at the ‘Flagship Store’ of Reebok I saw an attractive display which caught my eye. It said ‘Be a Polo Star’ and ‘Best Buy’ and ‘Rs 999’.

Being a semi-bania myself, I am a sucker for discounts. And if I can’t be a star, atleast  I could become a ‘Polo Star’, whatever it meant. By the time anyone could say ‘She sells sea shells….’ I had bought the T Shirt for ‘Rs 1199’!!

What the ****! I went back to the display – it still said ‘Rs 999’. The bill still said ‘Rs 1199’ I asked the branch manager if my eyesight was going weak or something else was wrong. He had a very intelligent reply – ‘As we did not have enough T Shirts of Rs 999, we put these on display’ – BEAUTIFUL – I would say – like a true blue Indian without any remorse.

Can I click a photo of this display? – Sure, as many as you like.

Another interesting thing I found out about Reebok – their old corporate office – the one in Signature Tower closed down and where the new one is no one knows or no one is willing to disclose – maybe it is one of those official secrets!

It was with great difficulty that I found Arjit’s mobile number (through many channels) – he is the Area sales manager. His reply ‘I will ensure that this does not happen in future’. I sure hope so, for your well being, someone with more time on hand than I have, can approach the consumer redressal forum. The times of the Bania are long past!

Similarly I had gone to the Bata store in South Ex I a few months back where I saw an inviting poster saying ‘Sale, Sale, Sale, …. Upto 50% Off *’ Again, being the semi-Bania that I am, I rushed in and asked them to bring me all the shoes on 50% off.

But just like Cindrella at midnight, all the shoes at 50% had disappeared. Actually, according to the salesman, there never were any shoes at 50% discount. ‘Only 20%, Sir’

The difference with Reebok was that Bata has a corporate office in Gurgaon and I could talk to Aarti Ahuja after many attempts (via Bhatinda) and got equally interesting replies – ‘It was the manager’s mistake – he should have put a sign which says 20%’ – but the store in South Ex II had the same poster ‘It is the competition between the two stores – they do things like this!!!!” – AMAZING.

So always look the gift horse in the mouth – or should I say the SALE horse. Because, though the brands are American, we are, obviously,  Indian – Phir bhi dil hai Hindustani!

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

It is 'Auto'cracy in Gurgaon

For the last two days life in Gurgaon has been cool, really cool. Driving on the city roads has been smooth, really smooth. There have been no pests darting in and out of traffic, spewing thick fumes of smoke from their contraptions.

In other words for the last two days the shared autorickshaws have been on a strike – and life has been cool.

But what is it that these mean operators of these mean machines demand? As it is they overload, overcharge, overspeed and overtake. What more do they want?

While there are many stories doing the rounds, a birdie told me that though the auto wallahs are paying a ‘hafta’ of Rs 30 daily – more of a ‘rozana’, the traffic cops want to challan them Rs 500 per day even after that. Also that whenever a traffic cop stops an auto, he slaps the driver before any conversation begins!

The official version is that that these autos overload and drive dangerously – but then they have been doing so since the days of Guru Dronacharya (or so it seems), did the department just notice these facts?

But the ground reality is that Gurgaon is real nice without these autos. But the District Administration has let go an excellent opportunity to discipline these auto-wallahs and at the same time rid the city of this menace – just like Delhi has been able to rid itself of the blue lines. A handful of these miscreants could hold the administration to ransom and the powers that be in the district setup have bowed before them.

The results of the negotiations are out – the autos can now load 10 passengers in an auto meant for 6. Not more than 10. Means that they can break the rules, but only to an extent. Maybe the next time motorcyclists with have a strike and the administration can allow them to ride three! Then maybe the cars will demand black glasses. Then trucks and dumpers will ask for permission to carry 'only' 4 tonnes more. If the DCP (Traffic) can amend the Motor Vehicles Act for autorickshaws why not for others? Don’t worry, there is a special edition of the Motor Vehicles Act in Gurgaon.

It has been decided that there will be no passengers hanging to the back of the autos. Means persons can die of suffocation, can be thrown from the sides, can come under the auto when it overturns, but will not die by falling from the back.

Also only those autos will be challaned which do not have the necessary papers. Means they can drive as they wish as long as they have the ‘papers’ – whatever it means.

In the meanwhile, I got this picture of passengers stuffed like sardines inside the auto today morning. Do not worry Madam DCP Sahiba, none were hanging from the back.

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

TOI takes Gurgaon for a ride

The benevolence and generosity of TOI has exceeded even that of MPLADS one year before general elections. Yes. And this time they have opened a new industrial area in Gurgaon – all three phases of it – Phase I, II and III – and they have rightly highlighted the pathetic condition of the roads of this industrial area. They have even mentioned the other nuisances of this area like JJ Colonies and anti social elements.

The industrial area is right next door and is known as, yes dear readers; it is known as OKHLA Industrial area.

The other news worthy items from Gurgaon in today’s Locally Vocal page of Gurgaon in Delhi Times are

Dilshad Colony RWA

Performance at Kamani Auditorium (supposedly in Gurgaon)

An event on the 100^th birthday of former principal MN Kapur of Modern School (Must be in Gurgaon)

A walkathon on ‘World Autism Awareness Day’ from School of Hope, Vasant VIhar (of Gurgaon fame) to Basant Lok Market (Must be near Sec 14 HUDA Market)

A musical treat at IHC (I know it is somewhere in Gurgaon)

That’s all. That’s all the news about Gurgaon!

Does TOI think its readers are not well read enough or well travelled enough or feeble in the mind to know the difference between Gurgaon and Vasant Vihar?

Or does TOI not have stories of Gurgaon to put into its Gurgaon pages.

If that is so, don’t take the readers for a ride, ADMIT IT !

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

Three heritage sites unveiled in Gurgaon!

Three heritage sites were unveiled to the public of Gurgaon – in the ‘Locally Vocal Pages’ – 21 and 22 – of Delhi Times today. The three sites lucky enough to be chosen are:

Siri Fort

Lodhi Gardens

and, this one takes the cake,  maybe a hangover from the world cup final, the 25^th Anniversary celebrations of Anmol Jewellers. Their claim to fame is that it was the ‘exclusive jewellery house for Shilpa and Lara’s wedding’. The store is located in Bandra (Gurgaon). 

If you think yesterday was two much, then this is three much!!!

I think all the readers of the Gurgaon edition will join me in thanking the TEAM for making life in the city so exciting.

Someone surely needs a crash course in local geography. Or maybe someone needs to leave the plush environs of Bahadur Shah Zafar’s Delhi (pun intended) and take a trip to Gurgaon.

But, then, the fault is not entirely theirs.  Despite repeated requests, entreaties and vociferous appeals (tucked away in the corner in ever worsening type) for ‘goss’, the readers do not respond at all. Do you know how difficult it is publishing a paper without any ‘goss’?

But all is not lost. Today there were two small snippets about Gurgaon in the two whole pages – one of them a planted article by a PRO group. Hurray!

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

Two much of anything is bad!

Sometimes the only spot of humour in a man’s day is the comic section of the newspaper. And so that is the last page I open before getting ready to diagnose a whole lot of diseases, show images of their babies to their mothers and, obviously, writing this blog.

But I opened today’s paper (I won’t tell you which, you have to guess it now!) I found two beau peeps, two psychiatrists and two colonels staring out at me! Comics may be good, but only to an extent!!

I know reading cartoons is not a man’s job, even if it is his job. I also know publishing a paper is a difficult job, what with sifting through thousands of scantily clad beauties with glasses of God-knows-what (everyone knows) in their hands, going to hundreds of pubs to see what is happening on the IPL front apart from recounting your experience of the world cup final. Also when you are cut-and-pasting, you tend to paste one time two many!

So we have to help out our brethren who are so over worked. As there is usually some amount of free space available, and with the amount of voluntary labour available in the city (we saw it hooking up with Anna Hazare), I have drafted an advertisement for them, gratis, obviously, which they can run and save a lot of hassle for themselves:

WANTED VOLUNTARY PROOF READERS

For a large newspaper, must be willing to work for the satisfaction of

working for a big name in lieu of any other consideration. May have

to sift though a lot of  ‘goss’ to find reading material. But will be 

rewarded with tons of excellent material in stuff we throw away.

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

We are all corrupt!

Yes – that is the truth! We Indians are born corrupt and we die corrupt. Our first exposure to the system is when our parents go to the department to get a birth certificate and the last when our children again go to the same department for the death certificate, both essential to prove that you are born and that you are dead! Maybe it is in our blood.

There is corruption at each and every step in life – admission to a play school, admission to a nursery school, admission to a school, admission to a college, admission to a professional college, passing from a professional college, getting a job, getting a wife, buying a house, getting the house registered in your name, getting the electricity connection, getting a telephone connection, getting a gas connection, buying a car, getting the car registered, getting a driving licence, driving a car, getting admission to a hospital – any hospital, getting treatment, getting a gas connection, getting the gas cylinder, there is corruption even in things as minor as buying onions (when they suddenly disappear from the market like horns from the head of a donkey – gadhe ke sir se singh) - as I said – from birth till death we are in the throes of corruption.

The nation has found a mascot in Anna Hazare and through him and the media, which is, as usual, jumping on the bandwagon when the going is good and there is no other better news like the marriage of a politician’s son or daughter, has added the word ‘corruption’ to its vocabulary. It is good that Anna organized his fast so that there was no cricket match slated for the week. But is corruption confined only to the Lokpal Bill, the 2G, the CWG and many other G’s?

I will put forward very simple examples from almost everyday life:

A parent gives in to pressure from his son and his son’s mom and gets him a licence to drive when he is only 15 or 16 years old – who is the greater culprit – the clerk or the father?

The biggest dealer of Samsung does not send the company engineers to install an AC but a local mechanic in a fake dress. The regional sales head, the service head and the head of the head – do not respond to any complaint about the dealer but try to cover it up. Who are corrupt – the dealer or the executives?

The service centre of IFB BOSCH demands Rs 1000/- for ‘installing’ a washing machine. The region service chief says, ‘Chalo 400 de do’. Then stops responding to the phone. The senior executives feign no control over the situation. Who are corrupt?

There is a great ad blitz about ‘SURAKSHA’ LPG hose which should last 5 years buck cracks in only 2. The area manager, the state LPG chief, the chief of corporate communications – can you imagine that these senior officers of such a big PSU do not open their email inboxes – how can I say this? – because there is no response to emails sent on their official email ids!! Who is corrupt?

Last year I was writing an article on the Gurgaon Expressway and rang up DSC, the concessionaire actually raking in the moolah and doing zilch in return, for some comments on the facilities which should have been available. Instead of replying to my queries Mandeepa, their corporate communications head told me that they talked to only one correspondent. The same correspondent, a defacto ‘bureau chief’, then rang me to threaten me not to publish the article. The article got published and Mandeepa and the same correspondent then lost favour with DSC (If you cannot prevent an article, what use are you?). The same correspondent is now the most vociferous in condemning DSC. Who out of these are corrupt?

Day before yesterday, a patient told me how he paid lacs to get the NOC from HUDA and the Fire Brigade for two guest houses in Islampur Village, now with a big name hospital. The NOC’s were cancelled and the demolition squad arrived at the guest houses at the crack of dawn. He asked the senior police official accompanying the squad (in his own words), ‘Mooh khol’ – ’15 laakh’ – ‘abhi le’ –The demolition was stopped for two hours, enough for him to get a stay order from the court. In this whole sequence, who is corrupt?

A large population of Gurgaon gathered at Galleria to lend their support to Anna in his fight against corruption. But just next to the venue a traffic cop was taking a single note which has the photo of the father of the nation for letting off a child for driving a scooter and that too without helmet! Who is corrupt?

Anna and his army of Lokpals cannot rid the country of this corruption. Will a change in the government suddenly create a conscience in all these persons? As I said before – corruption is in our blood. And, talking of blood – I have an interesting anecdote – we have a lot of blood banks in the capital, many of them ‘charitable’, who organize blood donation camps and collect ‘human’ blood. I have seen patients requiring one of blood being asked by their doctors to get two units. The relatives of these patients then contact the driver of the ambulance who, for a sum, gets them four units from these blood banks! And if only one unit is used, the rest are poured down the drain! Who out of them is corrupt?

Last year I was donating platelets for a friend’s son in a LARGE hospital in Gurgaon where they charge a large sum to harvest the platelets. When I asked them to explain why such a large sum is being charged he told me, ‘Mushkil se is saal season laga hai, aur aap tang kar rahe ho’. As I said, corruption is in our blood.

We do not need Anna to remove this corruption. We only need to say one word – ‘NO’, and we need to say it to ourselves!

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

In which city is Old Delhi Railway Station located?

To all the well read gents and ladies who replied ‘Delhi’ I would like to inform them that they will have to sit for their 10th Board exams again because they have failed and have to return their certificates!

And not to worry because before today morning even I would have replied ‘Delhi’, but I am better read because I read the Gurgaon edition of the Times of India and on page 20 of Delhi Times today I came to know that Old Delhi Railway Station is in Gurgaon!!!!

This set me wondering because the last that I had visited the place to drop my son, it was entrenched right next to Chandni Chowk and Red Fort. And it is not possible that in the few years intervening it could have been transplanted right into Gurgaon. But there are three explanations for this:

EXPLANATION 1: The person composing this page studied for his ‘O’ levels in Guru Dronacharya’s Gurukul and believes that Gurgaon is the capital of the world.

EXPLANATION 2: The person is trying to create a rift between Delhi and Gurgaon so that one of the two cedes from the country. But we believe in national integration and can happily sacrifice any number of pages for our neighbours.

EXPLANATION 3: The bureau still has NO news about Gurgaon. And that is why it has again slipped in a small appeal in the corner in ill-readable font asking for ‘goss’ or anything which goes by the name of news. So readers are requested to send in all the ‘goss’ they hear at the beauty parlour and the paan shop so that Gurgaon news can be published on Gurgaon pages. They’ll surely get back to you!

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

Delhi is now officially part of Gurgaon

The only culture in Gurgaon, it is said, is agriculture. And so it is that rarely, maybe once in a blue moon, does Delhi Times, the pull-out with Times of India, come out with a whole page about Gurgaon. And this morning I was really pleased to find one whole page titled ‘GURGAON’ and ‘LOCALLY VOCAL’.

It was nice to note that Pandit Ritesh, Rajnish Mishra, Debojyoti Bose and our own Sonu Nigam enthralled the audience. There is even a snap of ‘The audience’. But a closer look shows that all this happened in the ‘capital’ (of Gurgaon?). There is another article about the high walls of Tihar which have failed to stop an inmate from pursuing a degree in social work. Another about an exclusive Mughal evening of music poetry and dance organized by the ‘Embassy of Switzerland’, but where in Gurgaon is not mentioned. Another is about a stray which was mercilessly killed by youngsters in a North Delhi Colony.

So, dear readers, it is nice to get a lot of stories about Delhi in a page devoted to Gurgaon. There is not much news about Delhi in the papers and we residents of Gurgaon are really starved for news of our neighbouring city.

But there are only two explanations for this queer turn of events:

EXPLANATION 1:

Delhi has officially ceded to the city of Gurgaon and our Deputy Commissioner can look forward to taking over the reins of that runaway city. This is really good!

EXPLANATION 2:

There is no news regarding the cultural events being organized in Gurgaon. But no news, for once, is bad news.


And maybe that is why, tucked away in the corner, is a small box which says ,

‘If you’ve got an interesting event, goss (WHAT’S THAT?) or info about trends and happenings in your area, mail us itimes@indiatimes.com (sic). We’ll get back to you.’

So dear readers, please send in the latest events in your locality – the stray in the street had a litter, the neighbours son won at gilli danda, the maid did not come to work today. Send in anything as long as it is news. They’ll get back!!!

By the way, I looked up ‘goss’ on the Webster’s online dictionary and nearest it came was gosh, gross, toss or goose (Both uncooked and cooked)

NEXT ON THIS BLOG:

Now that corruption is the new byword in the country and everyone knows something about it, I thought that when the whole country is jumping on the bandwagon, I will also send in my piece – please look forward to it today evening!


(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia

Pehle Main - The rules of driving revisited!

My apologies to the Nawabs of Lucknow!

The moving finger has been forced to come back and what was once considered as absolute has been wiped clean and the finger has been compelled to rewrite the rules, not in ink but in blood and gore. But so many years after learning how to maneuver four wheels together on the roads of Himachal where one learnt to scan the road upto the next hill to look for laybyes and oncoming traffic, I feel that I am over the ‘hill’. And driving in the ‘jungle’ that is Gurgaon (including big brother Delhi and cousins Noida and Faridabad next door) I sometimes feel lost in the ‘woods’. So I thought of writing this ‘refresher’ for those like me having no sense of direction.

The first step is getting the license – the license to drive, the license to kill – 007! And one has to be trained in the perfect art of greasing the palm with the accurate amount of ‘grease’ – too little and your work is not done, too much and it is all lost. This art will come in use when one is caught by the traffic cops – one should know the exact going rate for the day!

The second step in the right direction is having a ‘friend’, a ‘chacha’, a ‘mama’, an ‘uncle’, anyone in the police. And feeding his mobile number on fast dial on your handset. And so as soon as the traffic cop signals you to a stop, just fast dial and hand the phone to the cop. Wow! Things are so easy. I have had first hand experience of this art – I was stopped by a cop in Pathankot and I dialed the number of an SP posted in Gurgaon who happened to be my patient and told the cop ‘SP Sahib se baat karo’ – He just handed me back the phone and said, ‘Aap jaaiye’. Another art is to fix the blue and red police logo on the number plate and say ‘Mere ‘chacha’/’mama’/’uncle’ police mein hain’. I have seen some really enterprising people organize a ‘DP’ sticker and fix it bang in the middle of the windscreen.

But the problem arises when there is no one in the police force who even recognizes one’s name – so what! Easy – write ‘Join the ARMY’ or just ‘ARMY’, ‘AIR FORCE’, GOVERNMENT OF INDIA’ or anything which comes to mind. I saw a really enterprising person who has written ‘GOVERNMENT OF INDIA’ and ‘ARMY’ on his car – that’s like saying two in hand are better than two in the bush. The latest craze is also to write ‘PRESS’, ‘CHIEF EDITOR’!

The next step is getting the correct accessories for the four wheels. Horn – the louder the better. Fog lamps – the brighter the better – and focus them to shine on the driver of the oncoming vehicle. Tinted plastic sheets for the glasses – the darker the better.

Where to drive on the road? - preferably on the right side, so that other vehicles can overtake from the left. People get confused overtaking from the right! And when in doubt drive right in the centre of the road, with the yellow line passing exactly between the wheels. Driving on the extreme right is 'right' as long as one puts on the headlights on high beam and honks like a maniac (which one is)!

The meaning of the colours of the traffic lights have also changed – green means ‘go’, yellow means ‘go faster’ and red means ‘go even faster’.

The helmet is not meant to be worn. It is only meant to be carried in the crock of the arm – obviously if the elbow get’s fractured, one is out of a job, if the brain gets damaged, one does not need a job.

Learn acrobatics from a renowned master – one has to juggle a cigarette and a mobile phone while driving – whether a car of a two wheeler!

When to use the horn – when to light is about to turn green – to make it change colours faster; when changing gears, when accelerating, when standing still, when overtaking, when not overtaking, when someone else is overtaking – honk as much as possible, the more the merrier!

Carry a ten rupee note in one pocket, a twenty in the other, fifty in the third and hundred in the fourth. When a traffic constable stops take out first the ten, wait for a reaction, then the twenty, wait, then fifty and if nothing works then hundred. I was taught this art by a master who told me he had used the hundred only once in ten years.

Who has the right of the way – the person with the louder horn; the person with the bigger car; the driver with the bigger beard; the one who looks straight ahead (like a horse blinkers on); the ‘jaat’ with the louder swear word! In other words – everyone except YOU!

The attitude is well summed up by the message on the rear of a call centre cab –

SOMETIMES THE 'BARCK' IS WORSE THAN THE BITE

HAPPY DRIVING!

(c) Dr Rajiv Bhatia